Freddie Witherden
Room 270A, Selkirk Hall
Princes Gardens, Watts Way
London SW7 1LU

Carl Shimeild 
TV Licensing 
Bristol BS98 1TL

Freddie Witherden

Dear Mr. Shimeild,

I am writing to you in response of your letter, received on the 
24th of March 2009, ref: 3110570576STU, not because it deserves a 
reply but because it is so factually incorrect and riddled with 
frivolous assumptions that not replying would amount a crime in 
itself.

Let me begin by stating, without equivocation or a Salmon of 
doubt, that I have no interest whatsoever in purchasing or buying 
a TV license on account that I do not watch television at my 
current address.

With the formalities now out of the way I will begin by 
addressing the first line of your letter, which reads ``We have 
tried to contact you several times between September 2008 and 
February 2009 about buying a TV license, and haven't received 
your response." I am unsure what the TV licensing definition of 
contact is but it is clearly incongruous with the objective 
vernacular. This is the first correspondence which I have 
received from TV licensing since moving in on the 4th of October 
2008.

While I can only speculate if any genuine attempts were made to 
contact me before today or if this is just `smoke and mirrors' 
from what is arguably the most bureaucratic, officious and 
callous branch of Her Majesty's Government it is worth bearing 
the following two things in mind when engaging in further 
correspondence:

1. addressing a letter to ``the legal occupier" is not helpful 
  when routing mail;

2. my room is 270A not 270.

Further down the page the letter goes onto say ``If you do not 
watch TV at this address, please let us known by calling 0844 800 
6707. We may send officers to confirm the situation." This 
passage makes the virulent assumption that one has access to a 
phone --- which I do not. Additionally the letter fails to 
provide any return address whatsoever, making correspondence 
difficult at best.

In lieu of sending officers would you instead consider sending a 
TV detector van? (Of similar ilk to the ones which feature 
prominently in your advertising campaigns.) As a physicist I 
would be incredibly interested to learn just how this 
pseudo-scientific device works, if at all.

Polemically yours,